Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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