I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Randomize
