Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
