um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
