dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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