Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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