I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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