I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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