Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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