hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
