Don't make out with my wife yet
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
