I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
