Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
