hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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