I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
