This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
