I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
