I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
