happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
