Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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