I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
