All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
