My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
