Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
