You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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