So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
