Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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