Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
