Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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