To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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