One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
