She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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