My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize