It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
