I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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