I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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