I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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