You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just want nice things and good sex
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
