Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
