remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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