I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
