there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
