I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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