No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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