I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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