someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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