god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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