Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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