Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
