I'm gonna have a badass scar
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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