I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
