I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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