we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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