we have officially lost it.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
