Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
