Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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