In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
